Is This Enough?
by asaneismRnuTs
Summary: Angel's thoughts on how he can't have little vampires inspired by the conversation from Bad Eggs little more angsty BA than i normally like, but sometimes that's what is needed.


**Disclaimer:** OWN nothing! Buffy and Angel belong to the evil mastermind that is Joss Whedon and everyone else connected to the shows.

**A/N:** Life is kicking my butt at the moment. This is my attempt to write my way through the pain. Resent events has made me sympathize with Angel and the pain written across his face in "Bad Eggs" when he tells Buffy he can't father a child. This is me refusing to give up and give in to utter despair. No beta this time around, decided to post on the fly so to speak to get the truly cleansing experience!

"**Is this enough?"**

She doesn't say anything. But I keep wondering. She's 25 years old now and the last time we really had 'the talk' was when she was 16 years old. She hasn't said anything, but I catch the glimmer in her eyes from time to time when we are around _family_. She tries to hide it because she knows how much it hurts me not to be able to give her that one very basic thing!

I still remember the heavy make-out session that lead to us having that conversation all those years ago. She was doing some kind of "sex has consequences project" for school, and she told me that she wasn't even thinking about starting a family of her own someday. Think her selling point was the fact that she had killed off some kind of electronic device.

I dream of her starting a family of her own. The sight of her rounded by a child growing inside of her is one of my ultimate fantasies. It was one of the reasons I left her all those years ago. I wanted her to go find a normal guy who could give her the one thing I probably won't be able to give her. Connor was a fluke, not that I don't love. I love Buffy and Connor more than anything else, but I know he wasn't supposed to be here.

I know she loves him as well, I know that. I've seen them together. I won't assume that it's a maternal love that's going on. He's too close to her in age for that to really be the case, but never the less she loves him. Maybe she loves him because he's my son, and I love him, but mostly I think she loves him because that's what she does.

I'm not sure I would have been as gracious if the tables had been turned. If I had been the one giving up the hopes of a family of my own because of the inabilities of my other half I fear I would have been somewhat resentful of the facts of life. I'd image a fair share of china getting thrown around the house.

Sometimes I lie next to her in bed and just look at her sleeping. I wonder if she ever feels the nagging pain I sometimes have inside of me when I think about how our lovemaking will never bring another living being into excitants. I'm not saying that our lovemaking is pointless, because believe me it's not! The comfort and intimacy of the act in it self is enough most nights, but sometimes the nagging pain just gets be best of me. Also the fact that for a long time we weren't able to experience it makes every time special, still I have to wonder, if it ever bothers her.

Most of all I mourn the things she has given up. However history has shown me that it is not my place to tell her what to do. I can't take the decisions for her, tell her that she should find her life some other place and with someone else. She had made it clear to me over and over again that she is the one calling the shots in her life and really when I think about I would never be able to walk away from her again.

Another thing I've learned through the decades I've been around is that miracles do happen. We have already rewritten history and changed the out come of more prophecies than I care to count so maybe I will be able to give her that one thing I want her to have more than anything in the world.

She's told me once that fighting is hard and painful, and it's everyday. It's what we have to do, and we can do it together.

For her I'll do anything – even believe in miracles!


End file.
